On Monday morning, while taking a shower after a 5am gym class, I had an “epiphany” of sorts. Let’s just say that in that moment (yes, while showering!), I realized that my husband’s been quite right over the last few months. This alone is hard for me to admit – like most wives, I prefer to be the one who’s right!! – but, admitting that there’s something seriously wrong with myself and recognizing my flaws was even harder. As I stood in the shower rinsing off my soap suds, this realization hit me so hard that I was almost in tears. I stood there trying to understand why I had reacted to something so stupid the night before the way I did, and this was in fact what led me to the thinking and realization that I had.
It bugged me all morning. I drove to work feeling bad, really bad – emotionally drained and needing to talk to somebody to get it all off my chest. My poor colleague had to unfortunately listen to me pour my heart out. She tried to convince me that it wasn’t all my fault and that I had to start looking at the root of the problem but I knew that she was just trying to make me feel better. Even when I look at the root, it starts with me. I know that none of us are perfect but admitting to your imperfections is hard! I called my husband and asked if we could meet for coffee. I wanted to tell him what I was thinking. I wanted to apologise for my actions over the last few months. I wanted to tell him how I realize that I’ve changed and that I’ve changed not for the better, but for the worse. I wanted to tell him how it was going to take some serious soul searching on my part, but that I wanted to change and that was what mattered!
Unfortunately for me, and probably fortunately for him (because let’s face it, what person wants to be bogged down by emotional baggage in the middle of a busy work day) we were unable to meet for coffee, but at the first chance I got that evening, I poured my heart out to him. I started off with something like – you’re right, I have changed and not for the better either. His response was – uuum, do you have a pen and paper, can I get you to sign that?! Haha. After that shocking opening statement, I sat and I chatted to him – my husband and best friend – and I told him how I was going to try to change, try find the “old me” and that I’d need his love and support to do this.
You know that feeling when everything’s okay, all’s content and you just feel happy with everything in life? Well, that’s the feeling I had yesterday afternoon as we drove to my cousin’s place to spend the afternoon with her family and friends. Of course, I was not disillusioned – I didn’t think that the feeling would last forever. In fact, I was pretty chuffed that it had lasted that long!! I didn’t think that pouring my heart out would instantly change me or that it would be an overnight change…so I wasn’t surprised when the evening rolled on and I felt the usual annoyance, irritation and building anger that I often feel with my husband, but I’m proud to say that I thought twice about my actions. I bit my tongue. I chose to react differently. Whether my husband noticed or not, I’m not sure. but I’m not doing this for him alone. I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it because I want to be better, I want to be happier and I want to love my life and my family. I can do this! I know I can. I can make a change!! And I know that I need God’s help. I need Him to hold my hand, guide me through this, work in my life so that I can make a change.
Philippians 4:13 – “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”