I’ve spoken to more than one mum who has assured me that my “guilt” that I feel at leaving Ethan alone with the nanny after hours is “normal”.  In fact, they all say that it mostly happens with your first child and when child number 2, 3 etc. come along, it gets much easier.  I really hope so because 2years later, I still feel the same every.single.time I leave Ethan alone with our nanny.

Now let me start by saying that this very seldom happens.  I’m home at the same time just about every day.  I hardly come home late.  In fact, if I get sent meeting requests or invitations to functions that are planned to go on after 4pm, I’ll decline them even though I have a live-in nanny.  Of course, if it’s urgent, I’ll let the nanny know that I’ll be late…but I generally rush off straight home and the meeting or function will be followed by apology upon apology to the nanny for my change in schedule. 

On second thoughts, perhaps this is why I actually do feel this way – because I do it so seldom?!  In a week, I’ll never have more than one function (mostly, I have none) on.  Even if I need to go shopping, I’ll generally go home first and pick Ethan up before going up to the shops.  It’s not that I don’t trust our nanny.  Really, it’s not that.  It’s not even that Ethan gets upset when we leave (we’ve been there, done that and thankfully he’s over that phase) – in fact, he’s quite happy to see us go.  I just have this ever present guilty feeling attached to anything I do that doesn’t involve Ethan.  Is it a mummy thing??

Last week, I had three functions on.  One was a work function during the week, and the other two were on the weekend.  Now the weekend functions don’t particularly bother me as we usually go out in the evening/night and it means I get to spend all day with Ethan so when it gets to the evening, I almost feel like I “deserve” the break…bizarre, isn’t it?!?!  But during the week…I don’t see Ethan on most mornings as he’s still asleep when I leave, so having a work function and not going home in between work and the function generally means that I don’t see him at all on that specific day. 

That’s exactly what happened last week Tuesday!  I felt so bad that I hadn’t seen him all day.  I’m sure that he probably thought – oh, mum’s not here – and then carried on with day.  I’d really like to think that he spent the day pining over his dear mother wondering what time I’d be home and why he hadn’t seen me all day, but he’s a two year old child…I think not.  As long as he has his cars and a snack, he’s happy as a pig in mud 🙂

Anyway, when I got home that night, I literally got undressed, had a quick chat with the hubby, and jumped straight into bed.  In the middle of the night, my child gets up and shouts…BEEEAAATTTRRRIIICCCEEEEE (our nanny’s name???!!!!!).  Can you believe it!  I almost didn’t get out of bed.  I was quite tempted to just call our nanny and tell her “Ethan’s calling you, got and sort him out“.  In fact, if she stayed inside our house, I may have done just that!  Oh my word – the guilt!!!!!!  I got out of bed, walked into his room, gave him a hug and kiss and said something like “it’s okay, you don’t have to call Beatrice, mum’s here now“, all the while thinking seriously?!why are you not calling me, it was only one evening, arrggghhhhh???? 

I need to toughen up brace myself as tomorrow night, I’m off to the spa for the evening – a much deserved, much needed break – and I probably won’t see Ethan all day again.  Guilty as charged…the joys of being a mum 😦 

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