Sickness and death

The one thing about life that is inevitable is, of course, that we’re all going to die.  Nobody lives forever.  But boy is it difficult for me to deal with this.  I’m a practising Christian, I believe in God and I know that earth is but a passing stage to get to the ultimate destination of heaven.  But I still can’t cope with the topic of death.  Even the thought of it gets me all emotional.  My mum says that when she was my age, she was exactly the same and that over the years, she’s grown spiritually and now it’s something she has come to accept and even embrace…when I’ll get there, I don’t know.  It probably has a lot to do with the fact that I’ve also been fortunate enough not to lose anybody close to me unexpectedly – my grandparents both passed on naturally in their late 80’s, they lived good lives! – so I haven’t had to actually deal with death being close to home.  But now it is and it’s shaken me at the core.

A good friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer around 2years ago.  I couldn’t believe it.  It came out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe that the chemo had such a harsh effect on her body.  When it came to the double mastectomy, I couldn’t believe that it had gone so far.  And then she was in remission and all looked good until not even a few months later, the cancer hit again.  It’s aggressive, it’s hit her body hard, it’s spread at a rapid rate and it’s devastating!  And if I feel this way, how in the world must her family feel and even worse…how is SHE feeling?!?!   Right now, I’m praying for a miracle because that’s the only thing that will save her.  I don’t even want to think about what will happen if there is no miracle.  I think about her constantly in the day.  I message her often and panic if I don’t get a response from her within a few hours.  She’s chosen not to do chemo again but boy is she strong.  She has this fight in her and I applaud her for that.  I can imagine that if it were me, I’d be curled up in a ball crying my eyes out.  I would be worried about my kids and everybody that I was leaving behind.  I don’t think I’d be able to be making jokes like she still is at this stage of the illness.

It’s all so much to deal with for her and I just pray that God is watching over her and that His angels surround her so that she is in as little pain as possible now.  I pray for her family, especially her kids – that in this tough time, they’ll be able to draw on God for strength and comfort and also be strong for each other and for her.

This is something that’s been consuming my thoughts every.single.day since the diagnosis was made and it’s tough.  I don’t know how to deal with it.  I don’t know how to not think about it.  I don’t know how to hand it over to God for His will to be done.  I just don’t know…